Falsies, Sweat Pads, and 8 Other Bizarre Items in the 2018 Oscars Gift Bag

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candy falling from ceiling oscars 2017
GIF: Courtesy of Giphy

Unfair adjective
Hollywood celebrities earning not only millions for starring in a film, but also receiving swag bags worth more than $100,000 at the Oscars.


Besides the exorbitant price tags attached to the jewelry spotted on the red carpet, the unexpected onstage moments that make our jaws drop, and what really happens when stars let loose at the afterparties, there is one element of all things Oscars that gets us every single time: the gift bags presented to each and every nominee.

Regardless of whether they win or lose, the likes of Gary Oldman, Octavia Spencer, Margot Robbie, and Greta Gerwig will soon walk away with an uber-lavish gift that includes a diamond necklace, premium falsies by Le Célinea week’s worth of spa treatments at Golden Door, ten sessions with celebrity personal trainer Alexis Seletzky, a piece of commissioned work from Reian Williams Fine Art, and a 12-night trip to Tanzania with International Expeditions.

But that’s just the beginning and, quite frankly, the rest of the goodies are a bit on the bizarre side – and actually accessible to the rest of us mere mortals. Read on to discover ten items that unexpectedly made the cut.

1

A Lightweight Pepper Spray by PepperFace

Celebrities have access to bodyguards, chauffeur-driven cars, and the finest home-surveillance systems that money can buy, but a bright-pink pepper spray named ‘The Jackie’ will keep them “safe in style”. Because why not?

2

'Pinhole Surgical Technique' Gum Rejuvenation

Teeth-whitening kits, we’d get. A surgical technique for treating receding gums, not so much.

3

'Magical Color Changing Lipstick' by Blush & Whimsy

A real flower and flakes of gold are encased in a lipstick designed to change color based on the pH and temperature of the wearer’s skin, but considering the perpetually warm weather of Los Angeles, what’s the point?

joey friends lipstick giphy
GIF: Courtesy of Giphy
4

A Genetic Service by 23andMe

If we had a penny for every time we referred to a celebrity as “genetically gifted”, we’d be rich – really rich. And someone at Distinctive Assets clearly agrees. The gift-bag provider has chosen to include a genetic service that will help Oscar nominees determine their global ancestry, connect with DNA relatives, and more.

5

The NeverMissed Dating App

Hollywood celebrities can’t even make it to a mall without getting recognized and photographed, yet someone felt it practical to give them access to NeverMissed even before it exists – the dating app is due to launch on May 25th.

6

Underarm Sweat Patches by Dandi Patch

“Nervous sweating is natural, but no one needs to know” is the tagline of these underarm patches that claim to hold up to 2,000 times the average amount of underarm sweat, trap in armpit odour, prevent embarrassing sweat marks, and stop horrible yellow staining – graphic but genius?

madonna armpits
GIF: Courtesy of Giphy
7

Locally Grown Oranges (Honest)

California – where most of Hollywood currently resides – is neck and neck with Florida when it comes to producing the country’s greatest oranges. And in true Hollywood fashion, these will be delivered straight to the stars’ homes, courtesy of delivery app EpiFruit.

8

Bottles and Bottles of Jarritos

No border wall, big or small, can come in between Oscar nominees and Mexico’s most beloved soda. So the question remains: ‘Tutifruti’ or ‘Toronja’?

9

A Phobia-Relief Session with Kalliope

This particular giveaway claims that only 16 minutes with phobia relief expert Kalliope Barlis of Kalliope is enough to rid Kendall Jenner of her trypophobia, Madonna of her astraphobia, and Johnny Depp of his coulrophobia – it’s too bad none of them are nominees.

girl screaming
GIF: Courtesy of Giphy
10

My Magic Mud Toothpaste

My Magic Mud is determined to enjoy a little publicity by gifting celebrities with its toothpaste, which combines activated coconut-shell charcoal with bentonite clay – a dental first, it claims. It rings in at only $9.99, so you could be closer to a “Hollywood Smile” than you think.

Thumbnail photo: Courtesy of @VelvetCocos

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